Life as a single parent can be very demanding. I’m ready to admit that after all these past 12 years. And still, if I’d need to choose again, the only difference would be to do it earlier and to secure my back. When I think about myself 12 years ago, I was living on the edge. I had come to the point where I either die internally or possibly die with no support. I guess it was my survival instinct that made me do the decision. All my creativity was gone, I felt no joy in my life, and if somebody would have given me the depression test, I would have received extremely high numbers. And most likely I would just been given some pills and that’s it. And I would have continued to die inside.

I don’t like to blame my ex-husband for my situation, although he could have done so many things in a different way. But then he wouldn’t be him, so it’s better to stop that kind of thinking. His life is his, and I’m responsible for my choices and actions. Based on my experiences I’ve tried to help my children to overcome their problems and I must admit that I’m proud of their empathy and boundaries. When I’ve talked with them, I’ve realized that I was never encouraged to set any kind of boundaries. And I got walked over so many times.

And this is where we get to the headline. My strenght has always been ability to find creative solutions. I have so much knowledge about various things, I’m always curious and willing to learn new things and then my brain just connects the dots in many different ways, out of which I can choose the one that feels to be the best. When I ended up doing monotonous work, and I had no feeling of being able to control my life, I slowly lost all the joy of living. I ended up being in survival mode, and slowly losing all my best qualities. I had no hobbies, I practically never met my friends and my goals just didn’t feel important without any support. It felt so overwhelming to organize any me-time. So I just tried to make it into the next day, next week. My feeling of being lost was actually visible: I didn’t buy any nice looking clothes (only practical ones), I gained weight and for many years I didn’t wear any make up or go to hairdresser. What’s the point of all that work? Nobody would be interested in me any way. You can label it as depression, but I rather call it loose of identity.

My wake up incident was my travelling abroad. My mother was kind and paid my trip to Madeira with her, otherwise I’d never had money for it. (Actually that’s not true, it’s matter of values but at that time I accepted it as a truth). My first attempt to change my life was to loose weight, and I did it. Within 4 months I lost 16 kgs, and at first it seemed to be a good thing. But quickly I got into the same trap where I had been for 15 years and the only way out that my tired brain could find, was to get out of that marriage. Out of those habbits. Out of that wheel. After my divorcement, what actually hurt my feelings most, is that nobody asked me any reason to it! It gave me the feeling of being so petty and meaningless, that nobody cares. That still makes me sad, even tho I now understand that I was surrounded by same type of people. For them I was just a means to get something or feel something, not someone to be accepted as a human being.

Fast forward, I started my cleaning business 5 years ago, after working for big cleaning companies for 5 years. I had gained experience, not only of the actual cleaning work but also about organizing and meeting customers as a supervisor. The main reason for starting that business of my own, was that my oldest child started his studies in high school and I needed to take him to the village to the bus station in the mornings, and my previous employer wasn’t willing to give reasonable working hours, so that I could take him to school while I started working too. So, I jumped. And to the surprise of people around me, I was able to fly.

For some years I had a feeling that I’m in control of my life again. But does this come as a surprise: more work I got, more stuck I felt? Once again I was in the situation, where I was doing mostly manual work, not able to have any holidays, most of the days just working, working, working. No time to spend time with my family or do hobbies, travel abroad or feel adored. I got stuck. Again.

But this time I already knew where to go for a change. Previous time I started from physical form, but now I turned into psychological side. About two years ago I started learning about meditation and mindfulness, all of these mental and spiritual things, and I have learnt so much about myself and my relationships. And I’ve been able to find new ways to get the feeling of being in charge of my own life. My creativity is here, I have a feeling that I can handle any problem that I face, and I know for sure that there’s always someone who supports my goals: me!

I don’t know about you, but in my life the feeling of losing control over my life has created all of this feeling of being stuck. There are many nuances to this, but still I’m bold enough to say that if you have a feeling of control, it’s enough to keep your spirit up. It may come out of you decision: if you were the one that chose to stay at home with a baby, you don’t feel being forced and losing your life. But if you end up doing it because your surroundings is forcing it, if there’s nobody else to take care of him and you don’t want to loose your child, it’s very likely you will become more or less frustrated. Especially if you need to give up on most of the things you love. Or if you need to stay in that job you hate because you need to pay your bills, and nobody is supporting you in a job hunt or giving any other way to earn your living. The key seems to be the feeling of being the one who makes the decisions.

Now, if I was a proper blog writer, I would give you so many links to different services and products, websites where you could buy things, but I am me. I don’t want to sell millions of things to earn commission or get revenue from my own product lines, I rather help people to find their happiness. And it is something that you can’t buy with money. It comes from inside out. Yes, I’ve created some online materials and right now I’m working on my online courses, but I’m not putting those links in here. I want you to find peace of mind and get that smile into your eyes. Life is worth living!

With lots of love

Joana

PS. I have just created a page for my travels and other tourism related things in here. All it takes now, is to get all that planned materials in there 😀